Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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