i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
