The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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