you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
