just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
