You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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