Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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