happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
