I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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