if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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