i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
