The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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