i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Someone came in the potted fern
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
