I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
