when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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