Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
