Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
