they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I stole a fireplace last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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