I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
