I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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