Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
