You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
