I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
