My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
