mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
