if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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