your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
