My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
