He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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