You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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