i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
