The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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