a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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