Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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