my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
