Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
