just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
