I skipped work to stalk him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
