I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
