So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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