so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
