I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
