I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
