So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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