She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
