so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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