There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
