does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
