god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
