I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
