Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
